Kicked in the Stomach

Dear Friends in Christ, 
Every now and then, Grace-St. Luke's needs to reach out to all of you with guidance.

Harriet Roberts (our Director of Christian Education) and I believe that now is such a time. Tragically, we continue to read and learn about examples of the sexual abuse of children. With all of this troubling and confusing news, we want you to know what we do at Grace-St. Luke's to guard and guide the children of God who come to our parish and participate in our programs (including Parents’ Day Out and Athletics). The Episcopal Church, thank God, offers us wisdom and guidance in how to be a safe place for children and adults.

I commend Harriet's meditation - found below - to all of you, believing that her words provide us with a way of thinking about these current events and what to do to help in our own parish, communities, and homes.

This information is not just for parents: We are sending it to everyone because children do factor into all of our lives in so many different and wonderful ways.

Blessings for Advent,

Richard

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"Coaches have the same obligations as all teachers, except that we may have more moral and life shaping influence over our players than anyone else outside their families." - Coach Joe Paterno

Kicked in the Stomach

Like the rest of America I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach when I learned about the shocking, alleged abuse visited on multiple children by Jerry Sandusky during his association with Penn State. The news was not pleasant and other than feeling devastated for the victims - I chose to avoid reading and thinking about the whole thing.

Then my great friend, Betsy, came into my office, sat down and allowed as to how she would really like some support around this whole issue as she figures out how to talk to her two children about The Penn State Scandal and about sexual abuse. She asked if we - Grace-St. Luke's Church - were preparing anything.

Interesting question.

So - even though I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach - I jumped in with both feet.

As far as the church goes, Father Richard and I are enormously aware of this issue. We have mandatory training for all employees and for all volunteers. We also have detailed applications and background checks and fingerprinting. This is not a reaction to a horrendous event. It is the thoughtful policy of the Episcopal Church. It is also the policy of our diocese that there are always two adults present with children of any age.

Grace-St. Luke's agrees with and supports that policy: We are committed to these policies and we will continue to ensure that they are vigorously upheld.

With that said - and with Betsy's question in mind - I started doing some research and some reading.

Not surprisingly, this is a big, serious problem affecting a lot of people. Not talking about it with our children is a poor choice. Here are some of the facts:

- 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys will have sexual contact with an adult. (GdB)*
- The average molester of boys will molest 150 victims before they are caught. (GdB)
- The average molester of girls will molest 50 victims before they are caught. (GdB)
- 90% of molested children are assaulted by a family member or by someone known to the    family.   (SIN)
- Greater than 30% of the time, the abuser is an adolescent. (SIN)
- Vulnerable and unhappy children make better targets. (GdB)
- Children who don't know the correct terminology for 'private body parts' (those covered by a    bathing suit) are at a disadvantage. (GdB)
- Following the disclosure of abuse, a child who is supported and believed by his or her family    typically has a better outcome than one who is not. (GdB)

The child who is less likely to be the target of a sexual predator

- is assertive (Can shout 'NO! I am telling!' and mean it!)
- knows the correct names of all of his or her 'private body parts'
- has frequent, developmentally appropriate, short conversations about his or her sexual    development.  (The conversation you have with a 4 year old is obviously very different  from the    one you have with a 12 year old.  And, all those in between would be different too!)
- knows that nobody has a right to touch his or her body and that - at any time - he or she has the    right to stop something that has already gotten started.
- knows - when they are older - ways in which a sexual predator might 'groom' a victim so that are    not surprised by that type of attention.
- knows that he or she is loved and cherished.
- knows that sexual abuse is never a child's fault.
- trusts that creepy feeling they get when somebody makes them uncomfortable and is empowered    to do something about it.
- is one whose computer and cell phone are based in a central place, particularly at night. (ie, not    their bedroom)

When you talk to your child here are some things which will hopefully help:

- Keep your conversation short and age appropriate. (Keeping in mind that your child will not be    bringing the same baggage to the conversation!)
- In this media age, abuse does not have to involve inappropriate touch: It can also involve the    viewing of media.
- If somebody makes your child feel uncomfortable it is REALLY important to respect that!  Do not    force a child to kiss or hug a relative or friend if they would rather not.  It may not be a sign of    disrespect but a sign of being truly (and maybe rightly) uncomfortable.
- If a child gets that creepy feeling encourage them to tell you even if nothing happened.  Discussing    that situation may be very helpful to help them hone that skill!
   - What exactly made them feel creepy?
   - If not their parent, whom did they feel like they could tell?
   - What did they do?
   - What might they have done differently?

If you are interested in pursuing this topic further I highly recommend Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane) by Gavin De Becker. It is very readable and offers excellent, practical suggestions about ways parents can alert their children to risks without becoming paralyzed by fear.

www.StopItNow.org is an excellent website and it too offers practical advice about discussing sexual abuse with children.

Additionally, the Boy Scouts have an excellent 30 minute Youth Protection Training Video which addresses sexual abuse. It is available to anyone and it is on their website. You might choose to do the training and then discuss aspects of it with your child. It does an excellent job of showing situations that might be uncomfortable and which you and your child could discuss. http://scouting.org/training/adult.aspx - Youth Protection Training.

It seems to me that, as with most difficult conversations, the hardest part is getting started. Having the conversation in the car - when you do not need to make eye contact - can make starting that conversation easier for you (and therefore for your child).

In fact, my car is where I usually talk to my own child about weighty topics.

And, since our last conversation on this topic, I have learned some new facts about child sexual abuse. I was not aware, until I did this research, that very often sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone under the age of 18. So, I know what I will be taking about on the way to a basketball game today. I am so grateful that Betsy stopped by my office and got me thinking!

Harriet Roberts, Ed. M.,
Director of Christian Education

* Facts labeled 'GdB' came from Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane) by Gavin De Becker and those labeled 'SIN' come from the www.stopitnow.org which is an organization dedicated to the prevention of child sexual abuse.